Before welcoming son Jacob Bryan Fisher in January 2019, having baby No. 2 was just a dream for Carrie Underwood. The beloved country music artist — who suffered three miscarriages before getting pregnant with her second child — recently opened up about how the miscarriages really affected her.

“I was still trying to do my job and put on a smiley happy face and be Carrie Underwood,” the 35-year-old beauty, who is also the mom of 4-year-old Isaiah Michael Fisher with husband Mike Fisher, candidly admitted to The Guardian. “And then I’d go home and fall apart.”

Carrie felt it was important she open up about her experiences because it creates a conversation. “It’s something that people don’t really talk about. Even people who are my friends and I know well, after I talked about it were like, ‘My gosh, me too!'” she said of confiding in close pals who went through similar experiences. “And I feel like it’s something I should’ve known about them.”

The “Before He Cheats” songstress first opened up about her difficult journey in an emotional interview with CBS Sunday Morning in September 2018. Although it’s been over a year since she suffered her last miscarriage, Carrie confessed that she feels bad for still holding onto that heartbreak.

“I think you feel silly being so attached to something that you knew about for this long,” she said, adding that the loss of her three children through miscarriages will always be painful. “But I still feel it, you know.”

The American Idol icon even revealed that performing wasn’t as easy as it was before the traumatizing ordeal. “I mean it took me a while to be able to sing certain songs and be able to get through them without really going there,” Carrie shared. “It doesn’t go away. Ever.” She added that some songs — such as “Cry Pretty” and “Low” — are “difficult to sing” but are “therapeutic” for her.

Carrie Underwood
Getty Images

Now that Carrie and Mike have expanded their brood, the “Jesus, Take the Wheel” singer is only focusing on her recovery while raising awareness for women that walk the same difficult road every day. “I guess you wait for things to stop hurting at some point,” she said. “But letting yourself go there, other people that are going through the same thing, it kind of connects you to them.”

Although it was a trying time, Carrie said suffering miscarriages taught her to be thankful for what she has. “I will always mourn those children, those lives that were a shooting star, a breath of smoke,” the Grammy winner gushed, adding, “but I have Jacob, and he is incredible, he is the sweetest little baby. At the time it was awful, and it still hurts, but it’s kind of like, OK, I have this.”

We are so happy for Carrie and Mike’s beautiful family.